Suicide is the most thoughtless and selfish thing you can do. You hang your friends and family to swing upon hooks of grief and remorse. Succumbing to your own weakness in hopes of release (or at least erasure), you condemn those who love you to life-long sorrow and self-recrimination. What villainy!
Suicide is the bravest and most selfless thing you can do. To understand how you have failed everyone around you and more importantly, how they have failed you. To make the courageous, clear-eyed decision to relieve everyone’s pain by incisively removing the problem at it’s source. By sacrificing your own life, you leave the world a better place. What altruism!
Which of the above statements is true?
Both and neither, right? This is a subjective thing. Your outlook can change depending on your point of view. A point of view that can be altered by your history, your emotions and your beliefs.
What do these two statements have in common?
Depression. Happy people tend not to think about offing themselves. They might even prefer to live!
Have you ever been really depressed about you life? Probably. Who hasn’t? According to the secrets of NIMH, it’s considered perfectly normal. For fourteen days. If it lasts for more than two weeks though, you now have Clinical Depressive Disorder. Good news! You can be treated. You can get someone who doesn’t know you to listen to your problems (for a fee). You can also get chemical mood adjusters that may or may not make things better or worse.
You can also get one more thing. A descriptive label to help you and those around you understand who you really are:
One of my very best friends quit smoking about thirty years ago. He had a promising career, a lovely wife and a great attitude toward life. Highly intelligent. He found that not having cigarettes left him feeling a bit anxious. So he went to see a medical doctor who in turn, referred him to a psychiatrist.
Diagnosis, treatment, complications. Repeat.
For thirty years now.
He lives on the dole in public housing. Wife bailed long ago. He cannot drive. He takes fistfuls of pills every day. Electroshock therapy. Experimental therapies. Panic attacks. Delusions. Despair. Several suicide attempts. A complete wreck.
But hey, at least he doesn’t smoke.
I have been “clinically depressed” also. It was a struggle. An experience I am now grateful to have had. I never contemplated suicide because of my understanding of what “death” actually is, but I felt sorry for myself to the point of sitting in a chair for days at a time. Just staring at nothing.
I got over it. I figured things out and climbed out of that hole. Now I cannot get trapped like that again because I see where I went wrong and corrected my mistaken ideas. I regained my balance and got back on the road. Valuable experience.
My point here is that depression is a spiritual problem that requires a spiritual solution. Are you disappointed because you screwed some stuff up? Are you telling yourself that you’re useless? Has life become painful and meaningless? Are you yearning for… not this?
Think! Why is this happening? Who is involved when you “tell yourself” something? What do you want? Why? Does there need to be a reason why? Where do your thoughts come from? Why do you believe them? Do you wish you were dead? Do you even know what death is? (Helpful Hint: It’s not an escape. Your problems will follow you because they are you.)
There is a mental state that has been called “The Dark Night of the Soul”. It describes the complete collapse of all of your ideas about who you are. About what the world is. The despairing immolation of your beautiful phoenix-self. It is also a rare and precious opportunity. It is not physical death that you seek! It’s the realization of who you aren’t. Hang tight. Diligently question everything.
Keep searching through the ashes and you may find a little Something…
CYA Disclaimer: I do not advocate not seeking help from the medical establishment if you deem yourself to be in dire straits and in need of assistance. Priority must go to stabilizing the situation. You can always pick up the trail later.
