During the time immediately following my discovery of the Stone, I went through a period of spiritual free-fall. With a fresh understanding of morality and karmic responsibility, I became aware that evil was not a forbidden or even undesirable thing.
Suffering strengthens, pain teaches. The presence of evil is what makes goodness possible. It is the very existence of sickness that makes wholesomeness so desirable.
During that time I was mentally capable of committing heinous deeds for which I would feel no remorse.
It was terrifying.
In my early years I was for the most part a good-hearted child. I had a deep love for what I called “God’s little creatures” and would go out of my way to save earthworms from drowning when the rain flooded their burrows. Later, as a teenager, I was taught and accepted that God and love were somehow identical as described in the Christian Bible.
But now after the Stone, the love that I had believed to be the central, most important thing in the universe was relegated to being merely half of a duality. Logically, there was no real difference between saving a life or taking one. The discovery that God was pure Consciousness led me to the idea that our true Self was simply what I called “The Witness”. Cold and aloof, above the fray. Neutral on all matters. Filled with humor but devoid of warmth, God seemed to be laughing at It’s own creation’s expense.
Was this cosmic horror-show the actual truth?
I felt hurt and lost. I made fun of those who did not “Know”. I had nothing but derision for those Christian fools who believed all the bullshit that I myself used to believe. I embraced my identity as a simple Watcher.
Yet it still felt wrong. My logic was impeccable but there was an underlying sadness and a longing for the time when I was vulnerable to emotions and fantasies. A longing for the ignorance that had once allowed me to feel like a part of the world instead of the Understanding that now allowed me to soar above it.
Leave it to me to find Enlightenment disappointing.
There was this love-shaped hole at the center of my being that could not be filled. Logically, I could not see a reason for love to be especially important.
Then I realized that there existed an absolute proof that it actually was very important.
My proof was the very existence of that love-shaped hole. There is no logical reason to be filled with love but there is also no logical reason not to be!
I had discovered that love for others is it’s own reward. And as I learned to forgive myself for my appalling ignorance, I went ahead and forgave everyone else for theirs too.
And so my spiritual free-fall ended back on solid ground. But this solid ground is a bit higher up than my previous perch.
And the view is so much nicer.